.feelings, nothing more than feelings.
m: so, i duked it out with god today. if i could have wrestled something, like a bull (as lauren has suggested we all get into) i think i would have. no, i take that back. i would have started to, but then stopped because i was crying too hard to see my thrashing opponent. he undoubtedly would have speared me.
i’m thankful a bull wasn’t present today. somehow, it was still hard.
i went for a run. it’s funny though, because running didn’t actually take place on my run. i walked, and then the tears came. i cried. and cried. and cried. and wallowed. and cried. and screamed (yes, i actually screamed. don’t worry, no one was around. i had already looked, as i was sitting on a big dirt pile, which already breaks all sorts of cultural rules here. frozen ovaries and all, i continued on…)
why?
i’m frustrated at god about my not feeling better. with the trip to hungary, new meds, and more sleep, you’d think i’d be feeling better. this is not so much the case. i still feel quite “off” in many respects. i am mad that he isn’t healing my body. that the meds haven’t helped. that i came to bosnia to “help” and i feel like doo doo.
and god’s response?
hey, kenz. i love you. do you trust that? even if you don’t feel well? you came to bosnia for many reasons, but do you know why i brought you here? to know me more. to trust me fully. to unlearn the lies you believe about me and start anew. you trust me circumstantially. when you feel well, when things are good, exciting, hope-filled, etc. you are willing to follow me, and with a good attitude. but when things are not so, i.e. when you feel poorly and when you are surrounded by a hope-less culture, you struggle to do so. do you know that i am not bound by circumstance?
so, my circumstance: i don’t feel well. maybe it’s the thorn in my side. i’m convicted of my absence of joy in this interim of not feeling well. of my hesitation to stay in step with him because i don’t feel physically that i can keep up. and yet, he is right here, very much involved in my circumstances, and yet completely free of them at the same time.
he also said: this is another way i’m allowing you to relate to the bosnians. do you think the war-victims feel well? do you think the mothers, children, grandparents, spouses who lost loved ones in the war feel particularly well? no. they do not. do you know the difference between you and they? you have hope. this is for a time. there will come a day when there is no pain and you are fully healed. what if you, like they, had no such hope?
i have been walking around as if i am no different from those hurting here. yes, we are all broken. but healing will come for me, in due time. so, lasso in hand, i am swallowing this conversation.
this decapitated toy was somehow ironic to find on my running path. it reminds me of all of us. broken, yet daily being restored. and as it now sits on my desk, it serves as a reminder of me, here. a broken girl in a broken country, surrounded by broken individuals.
i’m thankful the brokenness will one day end. now, to walk like i believe that.
goodbye for now. i love you. (do you remember that song by gemini?)
I identified with every single word you wrote there. Thank you for that entry. The other day I was at my breaking point as well, and I cried and cried for hours. And I screamed into my pillow, because I don’t have anywhere to go around here that is not where people are not, so I just muffled it with the pillow. But then I sat down, and opened up the Psalms, and wrote down all the truths about God I could find. The thing that came up most frequently was how fair and just God was. My Bible kept saying, God is fair. Lots about his fairness. And I realized, I was mad at God for allowing me to feel so crappy all the time, and for being depressed. And I was thinking how unfair it was. And I was believing that God didn’t love me and was unfair. But man, I was encouraged. The Psalms man. They are powerful. They hold MANY powerful truths about who God is. Everything you said in here, about what God is teaching you. I’m right there with you. We are miles apart, learning the same lesson under different circumstances. Cool. I miss you and love you. Thanks for your vulnerability.
Amy Pennell
September 22, 2007 at 5:14 am
Ok, I emailed you before I read this post. I love how God is allowing you to relate to Sarajevo on such a deep level. How he is molding you deeper than you might think. Praise God.
Jason
September 22, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Mackenzie, I was told about this most recent blog and encouraged to take a look at it. I want to encourage you. Having lived in Turkey for 10 months I think I can relate. About 8 out of the 10 months I lived in Turkey I was, just as you said, not feeling well. As a matter of fact I have been back in the States for 3 months and I’m still not 100% better. Why is that, I wonder? The truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I’m lazy when it comes to taking medication or maybe I don’t trust them anymore (they didn’t do much while I was in Turkey). Either way, I know that the Lord our God is good and that there is a reason for this, “thorn in the flesh.” We do not have to know why, but we do have to know that He is sovereign and that He has plans to mold you, even through fire. I leave you with James chapter 1…persevere and receive the crown of life.
clay
Clay Cooper
September 24, 2007 at 2:17 am
My heart sinks when I hear you don’t feel well. Being sick is frustrating. We want to feel good and be out doing things. Just remember this: God doesn’t promise to take us out of trouble but he will always get us through trouble, the valleys, the low places, the dark times. He’s there walking with us. He will keep our minds at peace and give us strength to make it. I promise you this is true. Melissa
Melissa Rollins
September 24, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Kenzie,
Thank you for your honesty in this post. It had to have been hard to write down, but just so you know, it encouraged me, as I am sure it did others as well.
I will write you more in an email, until then, I love you and am praying for you.
Andi
September 24, 2007 at 7:37 pm
@ amy: i appreciate you suggesting the psalms. they’ve been thumbed through many times the past few days. i’ve thought of you a lot these days. yes, you know what that means.
clay: i went and read james right after i read your comment. i really appreciate your encouragement. its something special to hear those words from someone who recently returned from being overseas. so thank you for taking the time to read and encourage. i appreciate you.
@ andi: i just read your email. you amaze me with how you fit so much “meat” into such a small space. gross toes or bad stomachs aside, god has been so good to me by putting you and the arpinator in my life. when do we get to see a picture of the toe? you know we’re curious.
@ melissa: again, i appreciate your consistency in writing. and i know you mean it from all of your health ups and downs.
goodmorningsarajevo
September 25, 2007 at 9:55 pm
@ andi: i think it wasn’t hard to put down because its where i am right now. something about being in this environment while walking with the lord fosters a rawness in where i am spiritually. maybe its because i realize more and more how i need community, input, prayer, encouragement. i think each one of you, who reads and comments (or doesn’t ever comment) provides that sort of community in many ways for me. without that, i think it’d be different. i feel the same way about the missionary community here, too. i have NEVER met a group of more raw, community-centered, relational believers and it is such a daily reminder of what walking with the lord looks like. i can’t wait for you to experience it here as well.
so, i see it as a combination of this blogging environment, and the environment and community filling the borders of sarajevo which have encouraged me to be so open. if that’s too much for people, as sometimes i think it is, well that’s okay, too. i can’t change it. i think people often want to hear that things are “great and peachy” all the time. well, life isn’t great and peachy all the time at home or away. but there is hope. i think that through sharing the junk, the lord is glorified just as well, as he is perfecting us in the meantime. pretty amazing that gross toes and aching tummy’s are a part of the bigger story.
goodmorningsarajevo
September 25, 2007 at 10:03 pm
yeah, hon. i’m very proud of your perseverence. there are so many things that you are learning, that you don’t even know you’ve learned yet. god takes us through the hardest things when he wants to change us the most. he’s making you stronger, and as with gaining physical strength, it has to hurt or you won’t gain any strength at all. i’m thankful that it’s hard for you there, because it means god loves you so much, he would break you of the strongholds that aren’t from him. i can’t wait to see how life looks to you when you come back. even if it’s just for a short time before you go back out again.
i’m thankful you’ve decided to wrestle it out with him rather than rely on your own resources to try to get through. i love you.
indysun
September 26, 2007 at 5:35 am
Inspired by the Psalms, check out U2’s “Psalm 40″ and “Walk On.” Man, I love that worship song. And I love you Sweet Kenz!
Gloria
September 27, 2007 at 2:48 am
hey girl, you’re special and you get special treatment from the Lord…wait and see that you’ll say “i’ve only heard from you but now i’ve seen you with my own eyes”
Jesus loves you and i’m encouraged by you:-)
love
luc
September 27, 2007 at 8:42 pm
@ lowee: i agree completely. it takes the hard things to break me of complacency. hopefully, this will not always be the case and i will grow in all seasons.
@ gloria: i read ps. 40 and can’t get it out my mind now. esp. the part that says, “be pleased, o lord, to deliver me.”
i keep thinking about why he would or would not deliver me from this. is it more glorifying to him for me to be in this place? if he did deliver me, would i use that freedom for his magnification, or run to my usual routine? i love you for sending these verses.
@ luc: you’re a continual encouragement to me as well. again, can’t wait to meet you some day.
goodmorningsarajevo
September 28, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Hold on patiently with faith in God.
Now is the time to be in joy with the least as a sealing promise to be in joy with the most.
God is among us. His presence fulfills us for He Is our fulfillment – nothing less but the Truth Himself. Let His Love from within be your sun towards the out.
Be in joy – the pleasures & pains of the body are temporal & of the matter, but the essence is not. So work with Him to keep Holy the within in obedience to the Father through His Word and be in joy, for His Spirit helps us overcome the flesh so to focus on the essence – Unconditional Love.
Ask and you shall receive, for He loves us despite our worthiness or not. Our worth is of Him.
With love
a servant of God
December 19, 2007 at 7:53 am