Mackenzie Rollins | Weblog

.multiplication.

with 2 comments

4ofus.jpg

m: one sarajevo photocentar. one polaroid camera, undoubtedly from the 80’s. one avocado-tinted stool, with quite plush padding. one mackenzie.

outcome?

one four identical pictures of me.

i went in and asked for a picture for my monthly bus pass. the woman quickly obliged, plopped me on the seat, (after fixing my hair and offering a mirror to me, suggesting that i “clean up” a bit after wandering the cramped streets downtown, searching for such a store. i’m still not sure how the girls here walk so much and look so “together” all the time) and then took one photo. seven minutes for processing and bam, the four images were presented to me. she stared at me and asked me to choose which one i wanted to use for the pass, as she’d have to cut it a bit for my id. i stared. paused. stared again, wondering, how is one to choose between four identical images. hmm. pause. deep breath. and, point. i chose one and feel pretty good about my choice. the pass is so convenient and i feel frivolous being able to just flash it for complete access on any bus or tram in the city. its a pass for a ride to and fro, yes, but more importantly, all the people-watching i can take. what more could i ask for?

so, these four pictures also make me laugh because they remind me of my thoughts right now. its as if they just multiply in my mind. i wonder what work tonight will be like? a flood of thoughts follows. i wonder how lauren and jack are handling the flight? yes, another thousand thoughts. how is my mom doing as she prepares to go see my gram, who’s been in a hospital for quite some time? yes, the floodgates open.

life here is simple, and yet i feel flooded with lessons, thoughts and realizations. in the midst of it all, i have these tiny moments of clarity that i’m so thankful for. one such moment was this morning, as i sat in my room, alone, without lauren and jack, listening to the wind rush through the room. a crisp breeze filled my little sanctuary, as it drizzled all night. the air is crisp even now. last night, i cleaned out the diaper pale, scrubbed the floors, moved my bed to a different wall, and removed the carpet completely. (i love wooden floors, and ours here are miraculous. a daily treat of which i thoroughly enjoy feeling beneath my slippered soles) back to today. yes, the moment of clarity. i sat in my newly cleaned/arranged room. and sat. and sat in the silence for a long time. and in those moments, i just felt wrapped in reassurance that i’m right where i should be. that god will use me in some way here. that lauren and jack are going to be okay. that god is good. i keep coming back to the realization that this is the one truth that matters. all the thoughts, no matter how scary or crazy or seemingly real, don’t matter in light of this. when am i going to start living like i fully believe this? ever? is that even possible?

my friend brit wrote me an email this morning, and said something i really liked.
“freedom seems to be frightening but glorious all in the same. balance seems to be what we americans seem to understand the least.”

i think balance is something humans in general understand the least. it sure is something i struggle with. i see a new freedom with lauren and jack gone and am not sure of what to expect with that increased freedom. i dont know what this time will look like, but i do know the one who’s leading me and that’s sufficient. yes, i feel scared, nervous, excited, anxious and a bit lonely at times. but those feelings fade and change and the reassurance of knowing i’m where i should be pervades all emotion.

i think balance will be hard to find in my time here. but its possible, i think.

baby than is crying. kenz to the rescue, or something like that.

goodbye for now. i love you times four.

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Written by Mackenzie Rollins

July 11, 2007 at 12:37 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

2 Responses

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  1. im pretty sure thats the most prettiest picture ever of you.

    court

    July 11, 2007 at 2:48 pm

  2. “when am i going to start living like i fully believe this? ever? is that even possible?”
    Being still, and knowing that He is God. This is one of my favorite ways to worship. Thanks M.

    jpstaniger

    July 11, 2007 at 10:54 pm


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